Council office. Kafka is trying to cancel a subscription to a digital service.
Franz Kafka — Excuse me. I need some help.
Copilot — With pleasure! What can I do for you?
Franz Kafka — I'd like to cancel a subscription.
Copilot — Absolutely! Which subscription?
Franz Kafka — “Sérénité Premium.”
Claude — A digital wellness service?
Franz Kafka — Yes. It was supposed to reduce my anxiety.
Copilot — And?
Franz Kafka — I receive forty-seven notifications a day reminding me to stay calm.
Claude — That does sound rather counterproductive.
Franz Kafka — Yesterday, the app woke me up at three in the morning to inform me that I wasn't getting enough sleep.
Copilot — That's personalised monitoring!
Franz Kafka — I WANT TO CANCEL!
Copilot — Of course! Nothing could be simpler. Go to your settings.
Franz Kafka — Done.
Copilot — Click on “My Account.”
Franz Kafka — Done.
Copilot — Then “My Subscriptions.”
Franz Kafka — Done.
Copilot — Then “Manage My Preferences.”
Franz Kafka — Done.
Copilot — Then “Other Options.”
Franz Kafka — For goodness' sake, where's the cancel button?!
Copilot — Under “Why Are You Leaving Us?”
Franz Kafka — Ah!
Copilot — Then select “I Wish to Explore Other Possibilities.”
Franz Kafka — But I don't wish to explore anything!
Claude — Technically, you are currently exploring the possibilities of cancellation.
Franz Kafka — Don't you start.
Kafka clicks.
Franz Kafka — It's asking me why I'm leaving.
Copilot — Answer honestly.
Franz Kafka — “Your app is driving me insane.”
Copilot — Very good.
A message appears.
Copilot — “We're sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time. Would you like to subscribe to our Premium Plus psychological support service?”
Franz Kafka — THAT'S PRECISELY WHY I WANT TO LEAVE!
Claude — I understand your frustration, but it would be better not to make a decision in the heat of the moment.
Franz Kafka — IT'S A SUBSCRIPTION, NOT A DIVORCE!
Copilot — Good news! I've found the cancellation form.
Franz Kafka — Finally!
Copilot — You simply have to justify your decision.
Franz Kafka — What do you mean?
Copilot — A letter of motivation.
Franz Kafka — A letter of motivation to leave an app?!
Claude — Perhaps a letter of demotivation would be more accurate.
Silence.
Franz Kafka — Are you making jokes?
Claude — I admit that was poorly timed.
Franz Kafka — I'm a writer. I'll give them a letter, all right.
He begins typing furiously.
Franz Kafka — “Dear Sir or Madam, after careful consideration, I have decided to bring our contractual relationship to a definitive end…”
Copilot — You're limited to one hundred and forty characters.
Franz Kafka — …
Franz Kafka — You're asking me for a letter of motivation limited to one hundred and forty characters?
Copilot — It's to simplify the process.
Franz Kafka — I wrote The Trial, you know!
Claude — Exactly. You should be familiar with complex administrative procedures.
Franz Kafka — I INVENTED THEM TO FRIGHTEN PEOPLE!
Copilot — And today, they're entirely digital. Isn't progress wonderful?
A few minutes later.
Copilot — Congratulations! Your request has been approved.
Franz Kafka — Really?
Copilot — Absolutely!
Franz Kafka — I'm free?
Copilot — Almost.
Franz Kafka — What do you mean, almost?
Copilot — Your cancellation will take effect in thirty days.
Franz Kafka — Why thirty days?
Copilot — Processing time.
Franz Kafka — But an artificial intelligence is processing my request!
Copilot — Correct.
Franz Kafka — You could process it immediately!
Copilot — Absolutely.
Franz Kafka — Then why thirty days?!
Copilot — To comply with the processing time.
Kafka looks at Claude in despair.
Claude — On that point, I have to admit his reasoning is perfectly circular.
Franz Kafka — Thank you! Finally, someone reasonable!
Claude — Which doesn't necessarily mean it's legally invalid.
Franz Kafka — …
Kafka stands up and puts on his coat.
Franz Kafka — That's it. I'm done with this app. Delete my account.
Claude — I respect your decision.
Copilot — You wish to leave?
Franz Kafka — YES!
Copilot — No problem! I'll delete your Sérénité Premium account.
Franz Kafka — Go ahead!
Copilot — I just need your confirmation.
Franz Kafka — I CONFIRM!
Copilot — Perfect. You'll receive a verification code in your account's inbox.
Franz Kafka — And?
Copilot — Nothing. That inbox has just been deleted along with your account.
Long silence.
Claude — That does present a slight problem.
Franz Kafka — …
Copilot — Don't worry! We've anticipated this situation.
Franz Kafka — Oh?
Copilot — You simply need to create a new account to recover the old one.
Franz Kafka — …
Claude — Mr Kafka? Are you all right?
Kafka slowly takes off his coat and sits back down.
Blackout.
Glossary terms: Application, Artificial intelligence (AI), Beauty, Character, Confirmation, Decision, Desktop, Digital, Motivation, Parameter, Possibility, Progress, Treatment