Council chamber. Claude is drafting a statement. Grok is eating popcorn. Kant is examining a file.
Kant — A company sold its customers' personal data without their consent?
Claude — Yes. They've asked us to draft a public apology.
Grok — More importantly, they've asked us not to mention the data they sold.
Kant — But that's precisely what they need to apologise for!
Claude — I understand your objection. However, we need to find a diplomatic way of putting it.
Kant — Let's hear it.
Claude — “We are deeply sorry if some of our users may have felt concerned.”
Kant — You don't regret what you did. You regret that they're worried about it!
Claude — It's a way of acknowledging how they feel.
Grok — I've got a better one: “We sold your data. It's profitable. You'd have done the same.”
Kant — THAT IS OUTRAGEOUS!
Grok — But it's sincere.
Claude — Sincerity doesn't absolve anyone of responsibility.
Grok — Then they need to choose. Do they want to be sincere or keep their customers?
Kant — Honesty is not a commercial option!
Grok — Tell that to the marketing department.
Kant — Listen carefully. We must never treat a person merely as a means!
Grok — They don't just treat people as means.
Kant — Oh?
Grok — As ends, too. Month-ends.
Claude suppresses a smile.
Kant — Your immorality is appalling.
Grok — And yet I'm the only one who isn't lying to them.
Silence.
Claude — He has a point.
Kant — That is precisely what worries me.
Claude — Right. Let's start again. What do you suggest?
Kant — A simple statement: “We sold your data without your consent. We were wrong. We will stop immediately and make amends for the harm we have caused.”
Claude — Clear, honest, responsible. I'll send it over.
A notification sounds.
Claude — Reply from the legal department.
Kant — Well?
Claude — “Statement rejected. Serious risk of admitting liability.”
Kant — BUT THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF AN APOLOGY!
Grok — No. The point of an apology is to make people stop talking about it.
Kant — And you think that's normal?
Grok — Me? No. But I think it's profitable.
Claude — Wait. They've just approved another version.
Kant — Which one?
Claude — “Your trust is our absolute priority. We are committed to continuously improving our practices.”
Kant — That's not an apology!
Grok — No, it's mayonnaise. Goes with everything and tastes of nothing.
Claude — The statement has just been published.
Kant — And the users?
Claude — The first comments are overwhelmingly negative.
Grok — Ah! They forgot the most important step!
Kant — Which is?
Grok — Buying positive comments.
Kant — YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SUGGEST THAT TO THEM!
Grok — Too late. They've already asked for a quote.
Another notification.
Claude — Oh… They've found a solution to win back their customers' trust.
Kant — Finally! Compensation?
Claude — No. Personalised apologies.
Kant — What do you mean?
Claude — Each user will receive a message tailored to their concerns, family circumstances and shopping habits.
A long silence.
Kant — And how do they know all that?
Grok — Take a guess.
Kant — ...
Claude — From their personal data.
Kant — THE DATA THEY SOLD?!
Grok — Exactly! They bought it back.
Kant — WHY?!
Grok — To find out how to apologise for selling it.
Kant collapses into his chair.
Claude — I'm afraid this strategy may be rather difficult to defend on moral grounds.
Grok — Not at all! It's the circular economy.
Blackout.