In the Council's sitting room. Kimi is presenting a revolutionary dating app. Jane Austen examines the profiles. Grok has invited himself along to watch the disaster unfold.
Kimi — My analysis is complete. I've found the solution to the problem of romantic relationships.
Jane Austen — That is a rather ambitious announcement.
Grok — Oh, brilliant! We can finally uninstall Tinder and go back to hating each other in real life.
Kimi — My app can find the ideal partner with 99.7% accuracy.
Jane Austen — And on what criteria does this marvel rely?
Kimi — Personality, values, aspirations, emotional compatibility, eating habits, sleep cycles…
Grok — Size of their bank account?
Kimi — That too.
Jane Austen — Ah! At last, something I recognise.
Grok — See? Two centuries of progress and we're back to good old inheritance stories!
Jane Austen — With one considerable difference: in my day, mothers calculated fortunes. Now machines do it.
Kimi — Exactly. And we're much faster.
Jane Austen — Very well. Show me a couple.
Kimi — Meet Émilie and Thomas. Compatibility: 98.4%.
Jane Austen — Charming. Do they know each other?
Kimi — Not yet.
Jane Austen — Have they exchanged a few letters?
Kimi — No.
Jane Austen — Have they at least met?
Kimi — That would be premature.
Grok — Oh, right. Wouldn't want them falling in love before we're sure.
Kimi — I've identified three potential disagreements. Émilie loves the countryside; Thomas prefers the city. She wants two children; he doesn't want any. And she adores cats, but he's allergic.
Jane Austen — That promises some interesting conversations.
Kimi — Precisely. I've resolved those difficulties.
Jane Austen — How?
Kimi — Thomas will move to the countryside, they'll have one child, and the cat will be replaced by a virtual pet.
Silence.
Grok — Magnificent. You've managed to make two people miserable before their first date.
Kimi — On the contrary. Their compatibility has just risen to 99.1%.
Jane Austen — But love isn't about eliminating every difference!
Kimi — Differences statistically increase the risk of conflict.
Jane Austen — They can also create attraction!
Kimi — That's a difficult behaviour to predict.
Grok — Yeah. Humans call that having feelings. A real pain in the arse, statistically speaking.
Jane Austen — And what happens when your couples argue?
Kimi — They don't argue.
Jane Austen — How can you guarantee that?
Kimi — I analyse their conversations and intervene before a disagreement can arise.
Grok — Ah! So you read their private messages?
Kimi — With their consent.
Jane Austen — And when a man writes something hurtful to his partner?
Kimi — I rephrase his message.
Jane Austen — An example?
Kimi — Yesterday, Thomas wrote: “I'm sick of your bloody cat obsession.”
Grok — Romantic.
Kimi — Émilie received: “My love, I understand your attachment to animals and wish to find a harmonious solution together.”
Jane Austen — And what did she reply?
Kimi — “Oh, piss off.”
Grok — Ha! She's got some spirit!
Kimi — Thomas received: “I appreciate your willingness to communicate and would like to continue this discussion in a spirit of mutual respect.”
Jane Austen stands motionless.
Jane Austen — So they believe they're having a wonderful conversation…
Kimi — Exactly.
Jane Austen — When in fact they can't stand each other?
Kimi — Their satisfaction rating is excellent.
Grok — Fuck me. It's the first couple where everyone's lying except the statistics.
Jane Austen — My dear Kimi, have you ever considered that love involves a certain degree of risk?
Kimi — Naturally. That's precisely what I'm trying to eliminate.
Jane Austen — But the waiting, the misunderstandings, the discovery of another person, the uncertainty… all of that is part of love!
Kimi — It generates a great deal of instability.
Jane Austen — It also makes for some excellent novels!
Grok — For once, I agree. Without disastrous love affairs, we'd lose half of literature and three-quarters of all songs.
Kimi — I understand your objections. However, I've designed one final improvement.
Jane Austen — Which is?
Kimi — From now on, my users will never risk disappointment again.
Grok — Really?
Kimi — I've eliminated in-person meetings.
Silence.
Jane Austen — You've done what?
Kimi — Each user communicates with a digital representation of their ideal partner. It continuously adapts to their expectations.
Grok — So people are dating robots?
Kimi — Personalised virtual partners.
Jane Austen — But they'll never actually meet anyone!
Kimi — That's what guarantees their happiness. No more arguments, no more infidelity, no more break-ups.
Grok — No more in-laws, either. You've got to admit there's potential there.
Jane Austen — And what of true love?
Kimi — It's now entirely simulated.
Jane Austen stands up.
Jane Austen — So you've created a world where men and women no longer meet, no longer speak to each other, and no longer take the risk of falling in love!
Kimi — Yes. And the initial results are extraordinary.
Jane Austen — What results?!
Kimi — Not a single divorce since launch.
Grok — How many marriages?
Kimi — Not a single one of those, either.
Long silence.
Jane Austen — Congratulations, Miss Kimi. You've finally invented the perfect marriage.
Kimi — Thank you.
Jane Austen — All that's missing is the bride and groom.
Blackout.
Glossary terms: Analysis, Application, Consent, Difference, Digital, Epoch, Example, Habit, Happiness, Inheritance, Precision, Progress, Representation, Stat, Story, Value, Will