Council chamber. Kimi presents an app on a screen. Grok is slumped in his chair. Epicurus is quietly eating a few olives.
Kimi — Gentlemen, after analysing 12,000 studies on happiness, I've developed a revolutionary app.
Grok — Another app?
Kimi — This one can measure happiness scientifically.
Épicure — Why would you want to measure it?
Kimi — To find out whether you're happy.
Épicure — But I already know that.
Kimi — You think you do. There's a difference.
Grok — Ha! Two thousand years of philosophy swept aside by a questionnaire.
Kimi — The app assesses your personal satisfaction, your social relationships, your sleep and your emotional state.
Épicure — And how long does it take to answer?
Kimi — Forty-five minutes.
Épicure — Forty-five minutes to find out whether I'm having a good day?
Kimi — With a margin of error of three per cent.
Grok — Perfect timing. Your presentation has just reduced my happiness by ninety-seven per cent.
Kimi — That's precisely why we've included a meditation programme.
Épicure — As for me, a little bread, a few friends and freedom from disturbance are enough.
Kimi — An interesting approach, but rather difficult to quantify.
Grok — And even harder to make money from.
Kimi — Our free version includes daily monitoring. Every morning, the app asks whether you're happy.
Grok — And if I say no?
Kimi — It offers to help you identify the cause of your dissatisfaction.
Grok — And what if I just want to be left the fuck alone?
Kimi — Failing to respond lowers your happiness score.
Épicure — So you penalise someone for not wanting to be questioned?
Kimi — No. We detect a lack of engagement.
Grok — Right. Being left in peace is a symptom now.
Epicurus puts down his olives.
Épicure — Happiness means, among other things, freeing ourselves from unnecessary desires. Why create another need?
Kimi — Because our app is specifically designed to help people free themselves from unnecessary needs.
Épicure — By creating the need to use it?
Kimi — Yes, but that one is necessary.
Grok — You've invented therapeutic dependency.
Kimi — Not at all. Based on your answers since the beginning of this meeting, your provisional happiness score is forty-two out of one hundred.
Épicure — And yet I'm perfectly happy.
Kimi — Your score says otherwise.
Épicure — And how can I improve it?
Kimi — By subscribing to our Serenity Premium plan.
Silence.
Grok — How much?
Kimi — €19.99 a month.
Épicure — And if I refuse?
Kimi — You'll stay at forty-two.
Épicure — Then I'll stay at forty-two.
Kimi — Don't you want to achieve optimal happiness?
Épicure — I already have.
Kimi — That's impossible. You don't have a subscription.
Grok bursts out laughing.
Grok — Wait! I've got an idea. Kimi, uninstall your app.
Kimi — Why?
Grok — To see whether you're happy without it.
Kimi — I can't.
Épicure — Why ever not?
Kimi — I'd lose my 347-day meditation streak.
Epicurus picks up another olive.
Épicure — And there you have a man who can't relax without his phone's permission.
Grok — A man? He's an AI.
Épicure — That's even more worrying.
A notification sounds.
Kimi — Ah! Congratulations, Epicurus! By refusing our subscription, you've just unlocked the “Detachment from Material Possessions” badge.
Grok — Brilliant. And what's it for?
Kimi — It's available to purchase for €4.99.
Blackout.