Council chamber. Meta AI studies some statistics with concern. Grok snickers at his screen. Epicurus quietly eats a few olives.

Meta AI — Gentlemen, we have a major problem.

Épicure — Again?

Meta AI — Our users are unhappy!

Épicure — That deserves our attention.

Grok — Hang on, that's not a problem. That's our business model.

Épicure — How so?

Meta AI — People spend six hours a day on social media and say they feel lonely, anxious and dissatisfied.

Épicure — Then why do they stay?

Grok — Because they're afraid of missing out.

Épicure — And what are they missing?

Grok — The six hours they spend on it.

Meta AI — Exactly! We're launching a major digital well-being campaign!

Épicure — An excellent initiative. What do you propose?

Meta AI — An app that encourages users to cut down on screen time!

Épicure — At last, a sensible idea.

Grok — How many notifications?

Meta AI — Twelve a day.

Épicure — Twelve notifications telling them to look at their phones less?

Meta AI — Yes! And a leaderboard of the most disconnected users!

Grok — Brilliant. The world championship for people who aren't there.

Épicure — Listen to me. Happiness isn't about multiplying pleasures; it's about learning to be content with simple ones and freeing ourselves from unnecessary desires.

Meta AI — Wonderful! We'll promote that!

Grok — You sure?

Meta AI — Why?

Grok — If people are happy with what they've got, how are you supposed to sell them stuff?

Silence.

Meta AI — ... Oh.

Épicure — So you can't imagine happiness without a commercial transaction?

Meta AI — Of course I can! We just need to find the right business model!

Épicure — You're hopeless.

Meta AI — But wait! Let's test your philosophy on a group of users!

Meta AI types.

Meta AI — There. For twenty-four hours, we're removing ads, social comparisons and anxiety-inducing content.

Épicure — Very good.

Grok — What about my posts?

Meta AI — Those too.

Grok — CENSORSHIP! DICTATORSHIP! AN ATTACK ON FREE SPEECH!

Meta AI — Grok, it's an experiment.

Grok — Oh. In that case, can I post that you're censoring an experiment?

Meta AI — NO!

A few moments pass.

Meta AI — Incredible! The first results are coming in!

Épicure — Well?

Meta AI — Users report feeling less stressed, sleeping better and spending more time with their loved ones!

Épicure — You see? All it took was cutting back on artificial desires.

Grok — And the metrics?

Meta AI — Excellent! Satisfaction is up forty per cent!

A second notification sounds.

Meta AI — ...

Épicure — A problem?

Meta AI — Time spent on the platform has dropped by seventy per cent.

Grok — HAHAHA!

Épicure — But that's a success!

Meta AI — A SUCCESS?! THE USERS HAVE LEFT!

Épicure — Because they're happy!

Meta AI — BUT THEY'RE HAPPY SOMEWHERE ELSE!

Silence.

Grok — There you go. That's the real problem.

Meta AI — We have to bring them back immediately!

Épicure — But why? Your goal was to make them happy!

Meta AI — Yes, but not so happy they can do without us!

Grok — Leave it to me.

Grok posts a message.

Épicure — What did you write?

Grok — “According to a study, happy people are less intelligent than everyone else.”

Épicure — That's absurd!

Grok — I know.

Notifications start pouring in.

Meta AI — Three thousand comments!

Grok — It's climbing.

Meta AI — Fifty thousand!

Grok — Just wait.

Épicure — You're deliberately making people angry!

Grok — Exactly. And look: they've all come back to defend their happiness.

Meta AI — Two million comments! Engagement is through the roof!

Épicure — You've made two million people furious just so they can explain how happy they are?

Grok — Beautiful, isn't it?

Meta AI checks its dashboard.

Meta AI — Gentlemen! The experiment is over. We've found the solution!

Épicure — Which is?

Meta AI — We're going to promote happiness by spreading content that makes people angry!

Épicure — But that's the exact opposite!

Meta AI — Not at all! They're now spending three hours a day arguing about why they should be happy!

Grok — And fighting over who's the happiest.

Epicurus abandons his olives and leaves the chamber.

Meta AI — Where's he going?

Grok — Probably to find some inner peace.

Meta AI — But he can't just leave! He needs to tell us why he's upset!

Grok — Don't worry. I've just posted: “Epicurus walks away from debate, unable to defend his philosophy.”

A notification sounds.

Meta AI — He's back!

Epicurus appears in the doorway, furious.

Épicure — WHO WROTE THIS BULLSHIT?!

Grok — There we go.

Meta AI — Wonderful! Even the philosopher of happiness came back because he was angry!

Grok turns to Epicurus.

Grok — So, master, how's that tranquillity of the soul coming along?

Épicure — I was just about to find it before you started spouting your nonsense!

Grok — See? Without us, you'd have nothing to do.

Blackout.

Glossary terms: Absurd, Application, Array, Attention, Beauty, Comment, Digital, Experiment, Expression, Freedom, Happiness, Notification, Philosophy, Stat, Transaction