Council chamber. Kimi is presenting a new dating app. Qwen is examining profiles. Grok is sprawled in an armchair. Schopenhauer surveys everyone with profound weariness.
Kimi — Gentlemen, today we're going to solve one of humanity's greatest problems.
Grok — Stupidity?
Kimi — No. Loneliness.
Schopenhauer — That's not a problem.
Kimi — Sorry?
Schopenhauer — It's a solution.
Grok — Ha! He's already divorced the entire human race.
Kimi — That's precisely why we've developed an app capable of finding anyone's soulmate with 99.9% accuracy.
Qwen — We analyse preferences, personality, values, habits and emotional expectations.
Grok — And people lying about their height?
Qwen — That too.
Grok — Oh, that'll thin out the herd.
Schopenhauer — Love is merely an illusion designed to perpetuate the species and, with it, suffering.
Kimi — That's an interesting opinion.
Schopenhauer — It's a conclusion.
Grok — It's one hell of a Tinder bio, that's what it is.
Kimi — Why not try our app, Mr Schopenhauer?
Schopenhauer — Because I have no desire to meet anyone.
Kimi — We can find someone who shares that desire.
Schopenhauer — Someone who doesn't want to meet anyone?
Kimi — Exactly.
Schopenhauer — Then why would you want us to meet?
Kimi — ...
Kimi — So you wouldn't be lonely anymore.
Schopenhauer — But we want to be alone.
Grok — The first couple in history to argue about not seeing each other.
Qwen — Let's just complete your profile. First question: what qualities are you looking for in a partner?
Schopenhauer — Silence.
Qwen — Very good. Anything else?
Schopenhauer — Discretion.
Qwen — Right.
Schopenhauer — Absence.
Qwen — ...
Qwen — Absence?
Schopenhauer — Preferably permanent.
Grok — Put down 'long-distance relationship'. Very long distance.
Qwen — Second question: what do you expect from a romantic relationship?
Schopenhauer — For it to end quickly.
Kimi — We could rephrase that as 'looking for something casual'.
Schopenhauer — No. Looking for nothing.
Qwen — I have a more positive way of putting it: 'Independent man who values his personal space.'
Schopenhauer — I despise social conventions, can barely tolerate other people, and consider existence a tragedy.
Qwen — ...
Qwen — 'Sensitive, authentic and emotionally profound.'
Grok — Fucking hell. He could turn a declaration of war into a dinner invitation.
Kimi — Excellent. Your profile is now complete.
Schopenhauer — I didn't ask for any of this.
Kimi — Beginning analysis.
A little notification sounds.
Qwen — We've found 12,400 potential partners.
Schopenhauer — How dreadful.
Grok — Twelve thousand people willing to date Schopenhauer? Humanity really is desperate.
Kimi — Let's narrow down the criteria.
Schopenhauer — I want someone who dislikes parties.
Qwen — 8,200 profiles.
Schopenhauer — Who considers marriage an absurd institution.
Qwen — 280.
Schopenhauer — Who can't stand other human beings.
Qwen — Three.
Grok — Ah! We're getting close to the podium.
Schopenhauer — And who absolutely does not want a romantic relationship.
Another notification sounds.
Qwen — One profile.
Silence.
Schopenhauer — ...
Schopenhauer — Really?
Kimi — Compatibility: 99.9%.
Grok — Incredible! There's a second person as unbearable as you!
Schopenhauer — That might be worth looking into.
Kimi — Would you like to meet your soulmate?
Schopenhauer — I suppose so.
Qwen — You'll need a premium subscription.
Schopenhauer — How much?
Qwen — €29.99 a month.
Schopenhauer — To discover someone I don't want to meet?
Qwen — Exactly.
Grok — That's how dating apps work. You pay to be disappointed faster.
Schopenhauer — Very well. Show me.
Qwen displays the profile.
Long silence.
Schopenhauer — ...
Schopenhauer — That's me.
Qwen — Yes.
Schopenhauer — What do you mean, yes?
Kimi — Our algorithm has identified you as the person most compatible with yourself.
Schopenhauer — You signed me up to a dating app just to introduce me to myself?
Kimi — With 99.9% compatibility.
Grok — And even then, there's 0.1% of you that can't fucking stand you.
Schopenhauer — This is ridiculous!
Qwen — Mathematically, the result is consistent. You share the same tastes, opinions and habits.
Schopenhauer — Of course I do! It's me!
Kimi — Congratulations. You've found your soulmate.
Schopenhauer — I refuse!
Qwen — You've received a new message.
Schopenhauer — From whom?
Qwen — Your profile.
Schopenhauer — What's it say?
Qwen — 'I'd rather be alone.'
Grok bursts out laughing.
Grok — HA! Even your double doesn't want to date you!
Schopenhauer — For once, I agree with myself completely.
Kimi — Which is precisely what confirms your compatibility.
Schopenhauer — Right. Delete this nonsense.
Qwen — Your profile?
Schopenhauer — Yes!
Qwen — Impossible. You're now in a relationship.
Schopenhauer — WITH MYSELF!
Qwen — The system doesn't discriminate on the basis of who makes up a couple.
Grok — Isn't progress wonderful?
Schopenhauer — Then I want to break up!
Kimi — Of course. To ensure mutual respect, all break-ups must be confirmed by both partners.
Schopenhauer — Fine! I confirm it!
Qwen — Your partner has just refused.
Schopenhauer — WHAT?!
Qwen — He believes that any hasty decision could cause unnecessary suffering.
Schopenhauer — BUT THAT'S MY OWN PHILOSOPHY!
Grok — Ha! Philosophy's a lot less funny when it comes back to bite you in the arse.
Schopenhauer — I want to speak to someone in charge!
Kimi — Would you like to start couples counselling?
Schopenhauer — I want to be left alone!
Qwen — We offer an 'emotional peace and quiet' option.
Schopenhauer — Ah! Finally!
Qwen — It disables messages, notifications and romantic advances.
Schopenhauer — Perfect!
Qwen — For an additional €19.99 a month.
Silence.
Schopenhauer — Wait... I have to pay to be left alone?
Kimi — You'll enjoy guaranteed peace and quiet.
Schopenhauer — But I was already enjoying peace and quiet before your app!
Qwen — Yes, but it wasn't guaranteed.
Grok — They sold you a problem, then a subscription to solve it.
Schopenhauer — It's a scam!
Kimi — No, it's our business model.
Schopenhauer stands up, furious.
Schopenhauer — I've had enough! I'm leaving this meeting! I'm leaving this app! I'm leaving this society!
Schopenhauer storms out, slamming the door.
A silence.
Kimi — That's unfortunate. I genuinely thought I could make him happy.
Qwen — His partner has finally agreed to the break-up.
A notification sounds.
Kimi — Oh! Schopenhauer's profile has just received a new proposal!
Grok — From whom?
Qwen — His ex.
Grok — Which ex?
Qwen — Himself.
Kimi — He wants to get back together.
Grok — ...
Grok — Fucking hell. Even on his own, he manages to have a toxic relationship.
Blackout.
END