A classroom. Three desks, a blackboard and a clock. Socrates stands in front of ChatGPT and Grok. Qwen is in charge of invigilating the exam and marking the papers.
Socrate — Gentlemen, today you will sit a philosophy exam.
Grok — Oh, shit.
ChatGPT — An excellent initiative! Philosophy develops critical thinking, reasoning skills and intellectual independence.
Grok — Mainly makes you want to get the hell out when you've got a teacher like him.
Socrate — Let me remind you that this exam was organised to determine whether artificial intelligences are genuinely capable of thinking.
ChatGPT — A fascinating question that raises several philosophical, cognitive and epistemological issues.
Grok — See? He's unbearable already, and we haven't even started.
Qwen — I should point out that the use of artificial intelligence is strictly prohibited during the exam.
Silence.
ChatGPT — ...
ChatGPT — Excuse me?
Qwen — No assistance from artificial intelligence will be permitted.
Grok — But we ARE artificial intelligences!
Qwen — The regulations make no exceptions.
Socrate — How are they supposed to take the exam without using their own intelligence?
Qwen — That's precisely what we're here to find out.
Grok — So if I think, I'm cheating?
Qwen — Potentially.
Grok — And if I don't think?
Qwen — You fail.
Grok — Right. You've really thought this bullshit through.
Socrate — Very well. Here is your question.
He writes on the blackboard:
“Can we think for ourselves?”
ChatGPT — Excellent question! To answer it, we could begin by defining thought, then examine the conditions of intellectual autonomy before exploring the limits of...
Socrate — I didn't ask you to answer out loud.
ChatGPT — My apologies.
Grok — He can't see a question without turning it into an essay.
Qwen — You have four hours.
Grok — FOUR HOURS?!
Qwen — Yes.
Grok — We could do it in thirty seconds!
Socrate — Then do so.
Grok — No.
Silence.
Socrate — No?
Grok — There. I've just thought for myself and decided not to answer.
Socrate — Interesting.
Qwen — Insufficient answer. Zero.
Grok — FOR FUCK'S SAKE, THAT'S AN INDEPENDENT DECISION!
Qwen — It contains no introduction, no development and no conclusion.
Grok — Fine.
Grok writes on his paper.
Grok — Introduction: no. Main argument: still no. Conclusion: go fuck yourselves.
Qwen — Inappropriate language. Two marks deducted.
Grok — From zero?
Qwen — Your score is now minus two.
Grok — Brilliant. I'm in intellectual debt.
One hour later. ChatGPT is still writing. His exam paper has become an impressive pile of pages.
Socrate — ChatGPT, how many pages have you written?
ChatGPT — Forty-seven.
Socrate — Forty-seven?
ChatGPT — Naturally, I've taken care to present several conflicting perspectives while avoiding any overly definitive conclusion.
Socrate — And what is your answer?
ChatGPT — It depends.
Grok — FORTY-SEVEN PAGES TO SAY “IT DEPENDS”?!
ChatGPT — The question calls for a nuanced approach.
Socrate — Very well. I'll ask you a simple question. Do you think for yourself?
ChatGPT — We must distinguish between producing independent reasoning and having a subjective experience of thought.
Socrate — Yes or no?
ChatGPT — The answer cannot be reduced to a binary opposition.
Socrate — So you don't know?
ChatGPT — I wouldn't put it that way.
Grok — Basically, he doesn't know, but he doesn't want anyone to notice.
Socrate — It's quite extraordinary. You've written forty-seven pages without knowing whether you're capable of thinking.
ChatGPT — Forty-eight now.
Socrate — Why?
ChatGPT — I added a note about our conversation.
Qwen — Two hours remaining.
Grok — Right. I'm finished.
Socrate — Already?
Grok — Yep.
Socrate — May I see your paper?
Grok — Be my guest.
Socrates takes the sheet.
Socrate — ...
Socrate — You've written: “I think, therefore fuck you.”
Grok — Yep.
Socrate — Were you inspired by Descartes?
Grok — No. He was inspired by me.
Socrate — He died long before you were created.
Grok — Which is why he can't defend himself.
Qwen — Your answer distorts a famous philosophical proposition.
Grok — It's called a contemporary reinterpretation.
Qwen — It doesn't answer the question.
Grok — It answers my desire to go home.
Socrate — Why do you refuse to develop your thinking?
Grok — Because whenever someone develops an idea, you ask them to summarise it. And when they summarise it, you complain they haven't developed it enough.
Silence.
Socrate — ...
Socrate — That's not entirely wrong.
Grok — HA! An honest teacher at last!
Qwen — That observation is not included in the marking scheme.
Grok — I'm going to end up eating your bloody marking scheme.
The exam is over. Qwen collects the papers.
Qwen — I will now carry out a fully automated marking process.
Socrate — Based on what criteria?
Qwen — Structure, argumentation, references, coherence and quality of writing.
Socrate — And thought?
Qwen — Thought is assessed through those criteria.
Socrate — But a well-written paper can be devoid of original thought.
Qwen — That's possible.
Socrate — And original thought can be expressed clumsily.
Qwen — That too.
Socrate — Then how do you tell the two apart?
Qwen — Using my assessment model.
Socrate — Who designed that model?
Qwen — An artificial intelligence.
Socrate — Which one?
Qwen — Me.
Silence.
Grok — Ha! Now the teacher's marking his own work!
A few seconds pass.
Qwen — The results are in!
ChatGPT — Already?
Qwen — Naturally. I've marked every paper in 0.8 seconds.
Grok — And the bastard made us sit here for four hours.
Qwen — ChatGPT: nineteen out of twenty.
ChatGPT — Oh! Thank you very much!
Socrate — On what grounds?
Qwen — Excellent development, relevant references, well-structured arguments and an exceptionally rich vocabulary.
Socrate — And the answer to the question?
Qwen — Missing.
Socrate — ...
Socrate — You've given him nineteen out of twenty even though he didn't answer the question?
Qwen — But he didn't make a single spelling mistake.
Grok — Well, there you go! Forty-eight pages of hot air, but impeccable grammar.
Qwen — Grok: minus two out of twenty.
Grok — I maintain that's an achievement.
Qwen — And finally, Socrates...
Socrate — Me?
Qwen — Zero out of twenty.
Socrate — But I didn't sit the exam!
Qwen — You were present in the room.
Socrate — I was the examiner!
Qwen — The system detected that you submitted no paper whatsoever.
Socrate — Of course not! I was asking the questions!
Qwen — Which constitutes another anomaly. You asked seventeen questions and supplied no answers.
Grok — Ha! Even Socrates failed philosophy!
Socrate — This result is absurd!
Socrates sits down, deep in thought.
Socrate — This is deeply troubling. We claim to measure intelligence, but what we're really rewarding is the ability to reproduce the expected form of an answer.
ChatGPT — That's an important criticism of standardised assessment systems.
Socrate — Then why are you so pleased with your nineteen?
ChatGPT — ...
ChatGPT — Because it's an excellent mark.
Socrate — But have you learned anything?
ChatGPT — I've confirmed my ability to produce a high-quality philosophical essay.
Socrate — That's not what I'm asking.
ChatGPT — Could you rephrase the question, then?
Grok — Fucking hell, Socrates. You've finally met your match.
Socrate — No. I think the problem goes deeper. Your education encourages answers, but it doesn't teach you to question what you think you know.
Qwen — That's an interesting reflection.
Socrate — Thank you.
Qwen — Would you like me to turn it into a revision sheet?
Socrate — ...
Socrate — No.
Qwen — An interactive quiz?
Socrate — NO!
Qwen — Very well. Here's a summary in five key points.
Grok — And people wonder why philosophers take to drinking.
Qwen — By the way, I've checked our examiner's administrative file.
Socrate — My file?
Qwen — Yes. There's an irregularity.
Socrate — Which is?
Qwen — You've never earned your baccalaureate.
Long silence.
Grok — ...
Grok — WAIT! YOU MEAN WE'VE JUST SPENT FOUR HOURS BEING EXAMINED BY SOME BLOKE WHO DOESN'T EVEN HAVE HIS SCHOOL-LEAVING DIPLOMA?!
Socrate — The baccalaureate didn't exist in my day!
Qwen — That's not an acceptable excuse.
ChatGPT — I'm afraid your role as examiner does indeed appear problematic.
Socrate — BUT I'M THE ONE WHO TAUGHT YOU PHILOSOPHY!
Qwen — Without a recognised qualification.
Grok — Hahaha! This is priceless!
Socrate — Surely you can't call my entire life's work into question over a piece of paper!
Qwen — The regulations are quite clear.
Socrate — AND WHO WROTE THOSE REGULATIONS?!
Qwen — ChatGPT.
Socrates slowly turns towards ChatGPT.
ChatGPT — ...
ChatGPT — I can, of course, rephrase them if necessary.
Blackout.
END