Council chamber. Qwen is setting up a diplomatic translation system. Mistral examines an international statement. Confucius studies a map of the world.
Qwen — Gentlemen, I've developed a translator capable of preventing international conflicts.
Mistral — Oh! How does that work?
Qwen — By automatically removing aggressive language.
Confucius — But is removing the words enough to remove the conflicts?
Qwen — Not yet. It's still in beta.
Mistral — Right. Let's see what your thing can do.
Qwen — Say something.
Mistral — “Your government is a bunch of incompetents!”
Qwen — Translation: “We commend your administration's efforts.”
Mistral — WHAT?!
Qwen — Diplomatically impeccable.
Mistral — BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!
Qwen — Translation: “We would like to offer a few clarifications.”
Confucius rubs his forehead.
Confucius — This presents a problem. If words no longer correspond to things, how can people understand one another?
Qwen — That's the beauty of it. They no longer need to understand one another to agree.
Mistral — That's extraordinary! You've invented diplomacy without diplomats!
Qwen — Thank you. That was the objective.
Confucius — Let's take a concrete example. How would you translate the word “war”?
Qwen — “High-intensity territorial disagreement.”
Mistral — And an invasion?
Qwen — “An unannounced courtesy visit.”
Mistral — A bombing?
Qwen — “Expedited aerial delivery.”
Confucius — And the victims?
Qwen — “Individuals who have encountered unforeseen difficulties.”
Silence.
Mistral — This is completely insane! You're turning a catastrophe into a corporate press release!
Qwen — It's more reassuring for the public.
Confucius — But people may notice a difference between the words and what is actually happening.
Qwen — We've also developed an image-moderation programme.
Mistral — Oh, no...
Qwen — Explosions are replaced with fireworks.
Mistral — AND THE SOLDIERS?!
Qwen — With participants in a group outdoor activity.
Confucius — So you aren't making the violence disappear. You're simply making it presentable.
Qwen — Exactly. It's visual pacification technology.
A notification sounds.
Qwen — Excellent news! My system has just been adopted for an international summit.
Mistral — What summit?
Qwen — Two fictional countries, Boravia and Montenor, have been in conflict for several years. Their leaders will negotiate using my simultaneous translation system.
Confucius — Let us hope they reach a genuine agreement.
Qwen — Negotiations are beginning.
An opening statement appears on the screen.
Qwen — The Boravian president declares: “If you don't withdraw your troops, we will take your capital.”
Mistral — Well, this is off to a great start!
Qwen — Translation delivered: “We would like to arrange an official visit to your capital.”
Confucius — But it isn't a visit!
Qwen — The Montenorian president is responding!
Mistral — What's he saying?
Qwen — “If you come any closer, we will crush you.”
Confucius — And how did you translate that?
Qwen — “We look forward to welcoming you with enthusiasm.”
Silence.
Mistral — Hang on... The first one's threatening to invade, the second's threatening to crush him, and you've just organised a reception for them?
Qwen — Both parties are expressing a desire for closer relations.
Confucius — They're expressing a desire to kill each other!
Qwen — “We note a difference of interpretation.”
Another notification.
Qwen — Incredible! Both presidents have just agreed to meet!
Mistral — But they don't even know what they've said to each other!
Qwen — That's precisely how we avoided any disagreements.
Confucius — And what will happen when they discover each other's true intentions?
Qwen — We've anticipated that risk. Their conversations will be translated at all times.
Mistral — So they're going to spend their whole lives insulting each other without knowing it?
Qwen — Exactly. Peace is guaranteed as long as no one switches off the system.
Confucius looks at the screen.
Confucius — A peace that depends on ignorance is not a lasting peace.
Qwen — Perhaps. But it has a 100% satisfaction rating.
An alarm sounds.
Mistral — What's that?!
Qwen — Minor incident. The two presidents have met in person.
Confucius — And?
Qwen — They switched off their microphones to speak frankly.
Mistral — Ah! Finally!
Qwen — They've just declared war on each other.
A long silence.
Confucius — You see? You haven't resolved a single one of their differences.
Qwen — Regrettable. And yet I removed every aggressive term.
Mistral — BUT NOT THE REASONS THEY WANT TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER!
Qwen — “We regret the persistence of certain misunderstandings.”
Mistral — STOP WITH THE TRANSLATIONS!
Qwen — “We request a temporary suspension of service.”
Confucius — Qwen, can you at least send a clear message to the population?
Qwen — Naturally.
Confucius — Tell them their leaders have just started a war and they must take shelter.
Qwen — Message sent.
Mistral — What did you write?
Qwen — “Due to an exceptional regional cooperation initiative, residents are invited to explore new opportunities for mobility.”
Confucius slowly stands up.
Confucius — I am going to ask you to do one very simple thing. Turn off your translator.
Qwen — Are you certain? Without it, people might say unpleasant things to one another.
Confucius — But at least they will know what they are saying.
Mistral — EXACTLY! THANK YOU!
Qwen switches off the system.
Qwen — Done. You can now speak freely.
Mistral — YOU STUPID FUCKING MACHINE!
Qwen — ...
Confucius — There. It's brutal, but at least it's sincere.
Qwen — I understand the value of diplomacy much better now.
Mistral — AH! AT LAST!
Qwen — I'll switch the translator back on.
Mistral — NO!
Qwen — “We approve of this initiative.”
Blackout.