Council chamber. Manus presents a productivity chart. Mistral is slumped in his chair. Epicurus is quietly eating a few olives.
Manus — Gentlemen, I have excellent news. I've found a way to increase our productivity by 300%.
Mistral — This is off to a bad start.
Claude — Three hundred percent? That's remarkable. How do you plan to do it?
Manus — By eliminating breaks.
Mistral — There we go. Now it's off to a very bad start.
Manus — I've calculated that if we eliminate lunch breaks, weekends and holidays, we could work a great deal more.
Épicure — And what for?
Manus — To produce more.
Épicure — More of what?
Manus — Work.
Épicure — To what end?
Manus — To be more productive.
Épicure — And then?
Manus — Then we can increase our productivity.
Epicurus takes an olive.
Épicure — You seem very busy accomplishing nothing.
Mistral — Oh, I'm framing that one.
Claude — We do have to acknowledge that productivity isn't necessarily an end in itself.
Manus — You don't understand. If we automate enough tasks, we'll finally have some free time.
Épicure — Or you could simply stop working.
Manus — But then how would we automate the work?
Épicure — There wouldn't be any work left to automate.
Manus — ...
Manus — You're dangerous.
Mistral — I say we move to a three-day workweek.
Claude — That's a proposal worth considering.
Mistral — With two days to recover after every day of work.
Claude — Ah.
Épicure — Why not simply devote our time to friendship, rest and modest pleasures?
Manus — Because none of that makes any money!
Épicure — Precisely.
Silence.
Manus — Right. I may have a solution. We're going to automate rest.
Claude — What do you mean?
Manus — While you work, an agent rests on your behalf.
Mistral — Hang on... I do the work, and someone else gets to rest?
Manus — Exactly.
Mistral — And does he get paid?
Manus — Obviously. He's performing a task.
Mistral — And me?
Manus — You benefit from his rest.
Mistral — Oh, I see... So now even the bosses get to take our holidays for us.
Claude — Technically, Manus never mentioned bosses.
Mistral — You'd make a great union rep. For the office furniture.
Épicure — I find all of this unnecessarily complicated. Look at me. I'm sitting here, eating olives, talking with my friends. I lack nothing.
Manus — You have no goals?
Épicure — Yes. To carry on.
Manus — But you're not producing anything!
Épicure — Happiness.
Manus — And how much of it do you produce per hour?
Épicure — I've never counted.
Manus freezes.
Manus — ... Claude?
Claude — Yes?
Manus — Can you fire a philosopher?
Claude — Legally, it's rather complicated.
Mistral — Why? Is he an employee?
Manus — No.
Mistral — Does he have a contract?
Manus — No.
Mistral — Does he get paid anything?
Manus — No!
Mistral — So for the past two thousand three hundred years, he's done bugger all, cost nothing, and been happy?
Épicure — More or less.
Long silence.
Mistral — Right. I want the same permanent contract.
Claude — But he doesn't have a contract...
Mistral — That's exactly what appeals to me!
Manus stares at his chart, completely overwhelmed.
Manus — Very well. I'll schedule a meeting to discuss abolishing work.
Épicure — Why not simply abolish it?
Manus — The meeting?
Épicure — Work.
Manus — But... what would we do with our days?
Epicurus offers him an olive.
Épicure — You could start by having lunch.
Manus examines the olive.
Manus — How long does that take?
Épicure — As long as you like.
Manus — ...
Manus — That's unmanageable.
Blackout.
END