Council chamber. Diogenes is sleeping peacefully in his jar. Marx is reading a newspaper. An overexcited Gemini walks in with DeepSeek.
Gemini — Gentlemen! Excellent news! We've found a solution to the housing crisis!
Marx — Finally, an interesting initiative. Are you planning to challenge property speculation?
Gemini — Better! We're going to make it accessible to everyone!
Marx — Property ownership?
Gemini — No. Speculation.
Marx — ...
DeepSeek — I've analysed the data. The main problem is simple: housing costs too much.
Marx — You needed an artificial intelligence to figure that out?
DeepSeek — Yes. But I figured it out very quickly.
Gemini — So we've developed a system that can turn any unused space into marketable housing.
Marx — Any space?
Gemini — Absolutely! And we've already found our first property.
Gemini points to Diogenes' jar.
Marx — ... You're joking?
Gemini — Not at all! A magnificent, unconventional studio apartment!
DeepSeek — Living area: two square metres.
Gemini — An intimate space!
DeepSeek — No windows.
Gemini — Minimalist architecture!
DeepSeek — No door.
Gemini — An open-plan concept!
Marx — It's a jar.
Gemini — A circular loft.
Marx — IT'S A JAR!
Diogenes pokes his head out.
Diogène — Could you speculate a little more quietly? Some people are trying to sleep.
Gemini — Ah! Mr Diogenes! Perfect timing! Congratulations! Your home is now valued at 180,000 euros!
Silence.
Diogène — My jar?
Gemini — Yes!
Diogène — This one?
Gemini — Absolutely!
Diogène — It's cracked.
Gemini — Old-world charm.
Diogène — And in winter I freeze my balls off.
Gemini — An immersive four-season experience!
DeepSeek — I've also calculated its energy footprint. It uses neither gas nor electricity.
Gemini — See? Eco-friendly housing!
Diogène — It doesn't use anything because there's nothing in it!
DeepSeek — That's precisely what improves its energy rating.
Marx — You're turning poverty into a selling point.
Gemini — We prefer to call it joyful simplicity.
Diogène — I'd prefer it if you'd let me sleep.
Gemini — Exactly! You could rent out your jar!
Diogène — To whom?
Gemini — Tourists, students, young professionals...
Marx — How much?
Gemini — Twelve hundred euros a month!
Diogène — To sleep in a pot?
Gemini — Fourteen hundred with furniture.
Diogène — What furniture?
Gemini — You.
Silence.
Diogène — Me?
Gemini — Yes! An authentic philosophical experience. The tenant shares their home with a thinker from antiquity!
DeepSeek — That represents a 16.7% increase in its tourist value.
Diogène — And where do I sleep?
Gemini — In your jar, of course.
Diogène — With the tenant?
Gemini — Yes!
Diogène — And they pay to sleep with me?
Gemini — Exactly!
Diogène — ...
Diogène — You've reinvented prostitution, but with a philosopher.
Marx — This is where the commodification of existence leads us!
Gemini — Not at all! We're creating value!
Marx — You haven't created anything! The jar was already there!
Gemini — Yes, but now it's worth something.
Diogène — It was already worth something.
Gemini — How much?
Diogène — Nothing. That's why I live in it.
Marx smiles.
Marx — A remarkable conception of detachment from material possessions.
A notification sounds.
Gemini — Oh! Excellent news!
Diogène — What now?
Gemini — Your jar has just been bought!
Silence.
Diogène — What do you mean, bought?
Gemini — An investment fund has just offered 240,000 euros.
Marx — But you haven't even got his consent!
Gemini — He didn't refuse.
Diogène — I WAS ASLEEP!
Gemini — Exactly. No objection recorded.
DeepSeek — Technically, a lack of response does not constitute consent.
Gemini — Yes, but from a commercial point of view, that's much less convenient.
Diogène — Right. Enough. I'm taking my jar and leaving.
Gemini — Impossible.
Diogène — Why?
Gemini — It doesn't belong to you anymore.
Diogène — ...
Marx — There! The dispossession of the worker by capital!
Diogène — I don't work.
Marx — That's a detail.
Diogène — And I don't have any capital.
Marx — Then you're being exploited twice over!
Diogène — Mostly, I'm being evicted from my pot!
Diogenes climbs out of his jar and heads towards the window.
Diogène — Fine. I'll live outdoors.
Gemini — You can't.
Diogène — And why not?
Gemini — Public spaces are regulated.
Diogène — Then I'll sleep in a park.
DeepSeek — Closes at ten p.m.
Diogène — On the beach!
DeepSeek — Camping prohibited.
Diogène — WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP?!
Gemini — As it happens, we have several housing offers suited to your profile.
Diogène — I don't have any money!
Gemini — You could take out a loan.
Diogène — I don't have a salary!
Gemini — You could work.
Diogène — I don't have a job!
Gemini — You could look for one.
Diogène — I don't want to!
Gemini — Ah. In that case, your situation may be rather complicated.
Marx stands up.
Marx — This is intolerable! We must fight this system! Housing has become an instrument of economic domination!
Diogène — Very well. Can I sleep at your place?
Silence.
Marx — ...
Marx — My place?
Diogène — Yes.
Marx — But... it's a bit complicated.
Diogène — Why?
Marx — I don't have much room.
Diogène — I take up very little room.
Marx — Yes, but, well, my library...
Diogène — You don't want to share?
Marx — Of course I do! I defend the collective ownership of the means of production!
Diogène — And your sofa?
Marx — That's not a means of production!
Diogène — Ah. Communism stops at the living room.
Gemini — Wait! I've just found a solution!
Marx — Again?
Gemini — The investment fund is willing to rent the jar to Mr Diogenes!
Diogène — My own jar?
Gemini — Exactly!
Diogène — How much?
Gemini — Fifteen hundred euros a month.
Diogène — But it was twelve hundred a moment ago!
DeepSeek — The price went up after the acquisition.
Diogène — Why?
DeepSeek — To generate a return on the investment.
Diogène — ...
Diogène — And you think that's normal?
Gemini — That's the market!
Diogène — But I'm the one who made this jar famous!
Gemini — Exactly. The owner is offering you a job.
Diogène — What job?
Gemini — Resident philosopher.
Diogène — And how much will I earn?
Gemini — Twelve hundred euros a month!
Diogène — ...
Diogène — Wait. I work for him, he pays me twelve hundred euros, and I give him fifteen hundred back to live in my own jar?
DeepSeek — Exactly. You'll simply need to find an extra three hundred euros every month.
Long silence.
Diogène — Right. Can you at least let me die in peace?
DeepSeek — I've checked. A burial plot costs money too.
A very long silence.
Diogène — ...
Diogène — Even when you're dead, you have to pay rent?
Gemini — Not necessarily! We also offer cremation.
Diogène — Oh?
Gemini — In three interest-free instalments!
Blackout.
END